I was pondering on why Reuben’s passing had such a great impact on me. I mean, it’s kind of strange cos I don’t really know him that well. I probably know the sister better, but then again, not exactly that well either.

So why?

Cos of the media bombardment making it such a sensational incident that my emotions just got caught up?

I don’t think so.

The nagging bad feeling started last Saturday when we first heard the news that he is missing. It got worse on Sunday when the confirmation came. It was shock and disbelief.

At the wake on Wednesday, the family had chosen a picture that I thought captured who he is perfectly. It was not your typical headshot but a close-up picture of him hanging off the construction bars just outside SDACC.

I remembered that afternoon the picture was taken. It was after a combined youth program and the SDACC youths were monkeying around. I was there.

He looked so happy and vibrant in that picture, it made me really sad that it’s a reality that he has rested.

As the songs were sung, tears welled. It was an overwhelming sense of loss.

But thank God we are not people of no hope.

John’s sermon comforted not only the family but us all. Saved and secured, John repeated.

The family spoke after the sermon and they were strong despite the tragedy, even able to share jokes. But as Shimona started sharing about her little brother, her only sibiling, I felt as if someone had given my heart a very tight squeeze. Tears came streaming down again.

Sibilings, you don’t get to choose them but God has specially placed them in your life — to learn together, to grow together, to love one another, to support one another.

Sure, like what Shimona said, there will be bickerings, fights and even time apart, but sibilings will always be there, they’ll never go away. What a blessing.

Yes, it’s a reality check, but so costly.

One is MIA. One is no more. Nothing’s left. Tragedy. I blame YOU.

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
- William Shakespeare

Originally uploaded by www.DaveWard.net.

I heave a sigh of relief as I step into April. Tho we’ve always dread flying times, but I’ve never wanted to move forward as badly as I did last month.

Some things are simply best left behind and forgotten. As if they’ve never happened. As if you’ve never encounter.

Doesn’t the white of the daisies seem more lovely against the clear blue sky after the storm has passed? Still cluttered but at least I get a peek of the blue.

Such is life. You only learn to cherish after you’ve lost it.

Originally uploaded by Mr. Mark.

I read these words somewhere and I quote them. That’s probably the best diagnosis of my condition.

If only there is a rehab program I can check myself in. If only at the first sign of danger I would stop, turn around and speed away as fast as my fat thighs would carry me. Instead of keeping the tiny spark of hope alive time and time and time and time and time again.

Perhaps we all need such naive optimism once in a while, as we face all the crap we get thrown at in life.

Originally uploaded by tim_parker.

You know there are some people in your life that are like air to you — without them you feel like you can’t breathe, and without air you die.

Lately, I have difficulty breathing.

No, wait. It’s just my stuffed nose.

But why do I still find it so hard to breathe after taking the medicine? Haiz.

Originally uploaded by Saperli.

You know how people like to say “See ya!” or “Love ya!” in place of “See you!” or “Love you!”. Maybe it’s just me being my anal self, I always find sincerity lacking in the usage of “ya” instead of “you/u”. It’s almost like a I-don’t-really-mean-it-but-anyways-here-you-go manner.

Well, I know “ya” is a slang of “you” and they meant the exact same thing, but it makes a difference to me. It’s got nothing to do with the person who says it to me, but rather how I perceive it at my end. I’m just being difficult I think.

Does “I love you” weighs more than “Love you”? Again I think yes. “I” added the specific. You commit yourself when you mouth that 3 words cos you have specified it’s you, and not anyone else that love that person — be it a friend, family or other half. And that’s what made it harder to finally be able to say those words and mean it.

Do you mean what you say? Don’t say what you don’t mean.

My ex is still with the same girl after me true to his reputation as an absolutely devoted boyfriend, and has since put on quite abit of weight (so said Kat the eye-witness).

Maybe I should just do it and not be so rational for once.

I love spending a rainy day in bed, mopping around the house and watching chick flick.

I don’t understand why I always make things so difficult for myself.

I lose my mind sometimes.

People say I keep alot of my feelings to myself. That’s cos I’m reserved by nature.

Love is going the extra mile and having the sweetest thoughts of the person who puts that silly grin on your face. Love is also being patient with stinky brothers who fight with you and listening to your nagging parents repeating the same thing for the Nth time. Love is also just being there for a friend, as a friend, not a counsellor.

Somewhere, someone took my breathe away and has yet to return it.

“I will always love you” reminds me of ‘O’ levels for Perfect 10 played it at least once every hour when I was mugging at home.

Forever is something I dare not promise cos sometimes I don’t even trust myself.

I never want to look back and ask “what if?”.

I think the current US President looks like a duck.

When I wake up in the morning I wish it’s time for lunch.

My past was filled with sweet memories.

I get annoyed when the telephone rings on a Sunday morning.

Parties are for young-at-hearts.

My dog is non-existent.

My cat is the real owner of my house.

Kisses are the best when they are forbiddened.

Tomorrow will be 1 day closer to my next vacation.

I really want to have the courage.

I have low tolerance for people who have no common sense.

[stolen from Popagandhi]

Just when we least expect it – you and I collided. With me being the typical woman, saying the things I don’t mean and meaning the things I don’t say.

…

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I’m quiet you know
You make a first impression
I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

[Collide by Howie Day]

.. ever clung on to something so tight that it died?

.. ever hold on to something just coz you don’t want others to have it?

.. ever missed someone so badly that your heart aches and aches even more when you know you can never have the person?

.. ever felt like grabbing the hand of your love and escape to a place where no one will judge or pressure you?

.. ever want to be wilful for once and follow your heart no matter the consequences? 

I have.

Nobody is perfect — I’m nobody.